 I have always considered myself a person of principle- with high ideals and strong convictions. So, naturally, I like to be right. The trouble is, when we always want to be right, we are always in conflict. There are times to speak your mind and stand your ground but, those times may not be as often as we might think. After years of charging ahead with righteous indignation, I have been humbled a bit and am learning to filter my causes with a few simple questions.
1. Am I responding, or reacting? The best way to determine this is to wait a bit before speaking. Take the time to determine if you have an intelligent, informed statement, or if you have an emotional reaction. When we react, we do not carefully weigh our thoughts, let alone our words, and often speak things that we later regret. Responding, on the other hand, allows you to think through exactly what you wish to communicate and select the best possible way to say it. This always increases your chances of being positively received. The wise will inherit honor, but fools get disgrace. – Proverbs 3:35 2. Are these the facts, or just how I feel? When you choose not to just react, and instead calculate a response, you allow yourself time to sort through emotions vs. facts. Oftentimes, in the moment, we can’t tell the difference. I love how Jeremiah 17:9 puts it, the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? We must remember that our emotions are influenced by many things and that they change often. If we are going to speak out, we want to do so with as many facts as possible. Never assume another person’s motives. If their actions have made you feel a certain way, communicate what they did and how it made you feel. These are both facts. The alternative of ‘You did this because…’ is both argumentative and unfounded. Always hold what you know in higher esteem than what you feel. 3. What else am I upset or stressed about? While feelings are not always accurate and reliable, they are very real and important. How you feel on a given day or season of your life will greatly impact how you interact with others. When you speak to someone about an issue, make sure you have assessed what else is going on in your life that might be influencing your position on the matter. Are you excessively tired, frustrated, or dragging up past hurts? If you want to speak clearly on an issue in a way that gets results, it is best to first carefully examine your own heart. For wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; discretion will watch over you, understanding will guard you. - Proverbs 2:9-10 4. Am I the best person to address this, or should someone else handle it? This one has become a game changer for me and has a two-fold application. First, I have learned that sometimes I need to tap out. As our kids have gotten older, and find themselves under the influence and authority of more people, issues have inevitably arisen. Two things I know: One - I love my kids more than life itself. Two - a Mamma Bear lives inside of me. While I am often the first one to suspect that my children are at fault, there are times when we moms may feel our kids are being unfairly treated or even hurt. I have learned that my husband handles this much more effectively than I do. While the occasions have been few, there have been times when I have tapped out and asked him to take over. A simple phone call to him that said, ‘I am VERY upset about this and would prefer for you to handle it calmly’, kept me from embarrassing myself. If you find that you are unable to move from reacting to responding, let someone you trust step in. Secondly, I have learned that sometimes I become upset about things that are simply not my problem. Maybe the issue involves someone other than myself, or maybe I want to change something that is under someone else’s authority. In many cases, we may find ourselves with foot-in-mouth when we overstep our bounds and air opinions in arenas that belong to someone else. Tread lightly on other people’s turf. Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. Proverbs 13:3 5. Is this situation likely to repeat itself? So often, those of us who live clinging to principles can die on a hill that we may never have to revisit. If you are worried about an incident being repeated, then it should be addressed to avoid future conflict. If it is a one-time event, it may be best to let it go. It is these times that we unknowingly are seeking to be proved right rather than make a difference for the future. If the situation or issue will not matter a month from now, then you can probably live without the gratification of speaking your peace today. 6. Will I still feel this way if no one else does? Make sure that the issues you take a stand on are true matters of conviction and not your echo of popular opinion. In today’s culture many are prone to speaking strongly on issues that create a buzz. This over-population of opinions can lead us to speak before we think. Stop and ask yourself, ‘if no one else agrees with me, will I still stand my ground?’ I am all for speaking out and standing up for what is right, but we must be careful that our main goal is not to declare ourselves as right. Take a deep breath, maybe sleep on it, and ask God for the wisdom of when to speak and when to keep silent. Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Psalm 141:3
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 One of the most pressing mysteries we humans face is whether or not to believe that we are loved. We don’t talk about it. We say that we know it, but deep down nearly everyone struggles to trust this elusive emotion. The problem is not with love itself, but with our twisted version of it. As imperfect humans, we have a limited capacity for love and so our understanding is limited as well.
Perhaps the greatest weakness that we all share is not our inability to feel loved, but in our limited ability to love others. And yet, despite these hindrances, we persevere. We find love, from others and for others, in volumes that surpass our own understanding. How can this be, and how can we begin to understand love in a way that leads to trusting relationships? We must remember that we did not invent love, it was given to us. If we can truly understand God’s love for us, then we can begin to know what He intends for us to share with each other. Here are a few aspects of Love that can help us learn to spot it and to share it. 1. We know that God’s love is sacrificial. John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. He gave up the one thing of greatest value to show His love for us. God’s love required that He give Himself on our behalf. If we are going to love others with a true love, we must be willing to sacrifice ourselves on their behalf. This does not mean being a doormat to their whims, but rather being willing to put their feelings and well-being first, ahead of our own. In the same way, if someone puts our needs and best interest first, we feel loved. 2. We know that God’s love is unconditional. Romans 5:8 – But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. God gave what we did not deserve. He did not wait for us to love Him or obey Him before He sacrificed Himself on our behalf – He did so in the midst of our rebellion. This is where love gets real! Am I able to love someone who does not love me back? God does, and through His mercy and grace I am able to learn to do the same. Those who love us, even when we have been unlovely, are those whom we learn to trust and appreciate the most! 3. We know that God’s love is beneficial. John 10:10 – The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. God gave Himself to us so our lives would be better. (here and in eternity) When we experience God’s love, our view of everything changes. Our life takes on a deeper, more purposeful existence and we have a desire to please Him. While our human nature will inevitably hurt even those we care about, love does not show a pattern of hurt without remorse. If we love someone, we want their lives to be better for having us a part of it. In the same way, those who love us enrich our lives and cause us to desire their presence. 4. We know that God’s love is original. It comes straight from the Source. 1 John 4:7-8 – Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. Since God IS love, all sacrificial, unconditional, and beneficial love comes from Him. This is perhaps the most important, albeit most divisive aspect of love. If we can acknowledge that God not only invented love, but reveals, sustains, and upholds love, then we can learn to love as He does. I cannot possess a sacrificial, unconditional, beneficial love apart from experiencing an overwhelming and powerful love in my own life that overflows from me to others. As I live in gratitude for the magnificent love from my Heavenly Father, I am compelled to show that love to others that He places in my life. Take a moment today to thank God for His unmatchable love and ask Him to fill you with enough to share. |
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